Last night I watched The Michalaks new video where Hannah delved into her old diaries and spoke about her Mum.
Whenever I watch Hannah and her wonderful family, I can't help but think about how much of strong woman she is. Watching this, I think it made me realise a few things. This post is going to be all of the cliches and a bit sad so you've been warned.
"I'll never forget the moment ever, just pure shock just hit me and I cried straight away. I guess life goes that way sometimes and it doesn't always run smoothly. Mum being ill has taught me how to appreciate my family and friends so much more, I don't think I really did before. I've wasted so much time that I can only learn from it and I think that's the good thing that came from it....
I don't even know where to start, I'm so emotional it's unbearable.... she think's it's a ticking time bomb and we don't know how long we have left to spend with her so we should see her as much as we can. It's so scary to think about it but now I just think every moment is so precious and I feel so down, I can't believe she might not be there when I get married"
Grief is a tricky thing and it's terrifying. It's one of those awful things you can't really understand how it feels until it happens to you. It makes everything just stop and it really hurts. It's not just an emotional pain but a physical one, almost like someone has sucker punched you in the chest and is squeezing until you burst.
The first time I experienced it properly was when I was 15. In the space of a few years a lot people were just gone. It's ridiculous but even now typing this out, unsure whether this is even a good idea to share or not, I have the biggest lump in my throat and I feel a bit heavy hearted. I guess my way of dealing with these new emotions at the time was to push them away and act like it wasn't happening. I carried on, I didn't really know what to do with myself, being 15 is confusing enough let alone something as weight bearing as a death.
As it happened again, I just suppressed it further down so I wouldn't have to feel it. I didn't and still don't want it to be real. It's weird how your mind works sometimes, I feel now six years later from the first instance I'm only now really accepting it's happened. That I'm never going to be able to have a hug, be able to smell a perfume or lay on a sofa when I'm ill in a flat I'll never step foot in again. I'll never know if they're proud of the person I am and just like Hannah, they won't be there when or if I have big events in my life such as a wedding or starting a family.
It's the first time I've ever felt truly heart broken and I don't think you can ever really heal that wound. I have so much admiration for my parents or anyone who has had to lose both parents or anyone they love because I don't know how I would cope with it again. It's something, like I would guess most people, I fear the most. To love someone so much and them to be gone so quickly. I do worry for when that time does come how I'll take it.
I still get really emotional about these moments now especially in the lead up to May and that's something anyone who is/has dealt with grief needs to allow themselves to be. You're allowed to be hurt, you're allowed to cry for hours because it's sucky and isn't fair. But you also have to live your life.
The most important thing I've learnt from this all is that talking about it helps more than you could imagine. Be that a face to face conversation or by writing it down. You have to find what works for you to feel better again. Tell people you love them, annoy the crap out of your family and friends because you want to be around them, be stupid, get drunk and go dancing until 7am. Don't waste time on things that don't matter because (here comes the massive cliche) it won't matter when the time comes. You have to live your life to the fullest, remembering all those happy memories because you won't get a do over. Spend and value that time you have with the people that mean the most. I think what Hannah said, sums it up perfectly.
That was a bit deep , I really want to make some sort of witty remark to lighten the mood.... let's just all have a giggle at what a ridiculous looking baby I was.
